Alcohol is one of God's greatest gifts. It has the power to turn normally shy people into social beings, which is how my drinking career began.
Bypassing my sheltered high school life, let's start with my first drunk experience.
THE HOOK
It was the first month of my first year of college, and one of my friend girls from high school, who happened to go to the same college as me, invited me to go drinking with her and a few friends. We played kings cup, and I found out that a quarter liter of Cherry UV is a lot more alcohol than I thought it was. I had finished my portion before we finished pregaming, and everyone was impressed that I didn't miss the toilet when I went pee before I left. Everything was spinning, everything was funny, and I couldn't care less about my mildly controlling female friends. One of the few things I remember saying that night was "Why didn't anyone tell me that drinking was this much fun!?"
THE LINE
We got to the party, and I discovered the main habit that drunk me has: MEET. EVERYONE. Shake hands, hear names, run around, forget names, meet the same people again, etc.
As it turned out, the party was actually a birthday party. The birthday girl turned 19 and was drunk enough to think I was awesome, so she lunged at my face and made out with me. From what I can remember, she was attractive, but my vision was that of a 87 year-old woman with cataracts, so whatever.
My favorite part about this night was not that I made out with a potentially attractive girl (who was older than I was, might I add), but the fact that I shared a very nice cigar with the owner of the house -- a man who was trying to date the girl that made out with me. Quite the fine gentleman.
THE SINKER
As it turned out, the party was actually a birthday party. The birthday girl turned 19 and was drunk enough to think I was awesome, so she lunged at my face and made out with me. From what I can remember, she was attractive, but my vision was that of a 87 year-old woman with cataracts, so whatever.
My favorite part about this night was not that I made out with a potentially attractive girl (who was older than I was, might I add), but the fact that I shared a very nice cigar with the owner of the house -- a man who was trying to date the girl that made out with me. Quite the fine gentleman.
THE SINKER
A week or two later, it was my high school's homecoming game. I hadn't drank since my first endeavor, so I made sure to bring my booze home for this.
Most of my graduating class (32 people total) showed up for a party after homecoming. It was a Turkey farm far away from the cops, so there was no reason to be coy. The night got started and shit got real pretty fast.
I didn't understand yet how alcohol worked, so I figured doubling my intake from last time wouldn't be a big deal. After the host started a large controlled fire (by large I mean the flames were 20 ft. high), I started drinking my UV and cherry Coke. Within a half hour or so I discovered my other drunken habit: Get Naked. First it was the shirt, then the shoes, and all of a sudden my friends were watching me run toward the corn field with my boxers around my ankles while loudly laughing my drunken laugh.
The only thing I remember after that is being face deep in toilet (3rd drunken habit) with someone watching me. I'm pretty sure that if that person hadn't been there, I would have drown. That would have made for an interesting obituary.
The next morning, my bfff, we'll call him Treyson (he gets a name because He'll be showing up more and more), opened the bathroom door and asked, "Dude, what the fuck?" I'm not sure what we said to each other after that, but I know I ended up waiting for him to get back to his floorbed so I could cuddle up to him and steal his covers.
THE WORST
The next morning, my bfff, we'll call him Treyson (he gets a name because He'll be showing up more and more), opened the bathroom door and asked, "Dude, what the fuck?" I'm not sure what we said to each other after that, but I know I ended up waiting for him to get back to his floorbed so I could cuddle up to him and steal his covers.
THE WORST
I eventually got home with the worst hangover I've ever had. It was Sunday, so I had the privilege of having my dad drive me back up to campus. Normally this would be fine; I'd just sleep on the way up. Unfortunately, my father will occasionally have a beer while driving. This was one of those times. This was also a time where Dad took the back roads. For the entire hour and a half trip, I had to sit there, smelling the odor of beer and doing everything I could to not puke everywhere. I'm pretty sure Dad got suspicious because I didn't touch my Jimmy John's sandwich and my head was halfway out the window the entire drive. Luckily, I made it back without screwing myself over.
Do note that this is the first installment of many, many drunken endeavors. They get better. I promise.
P.S. I apologize for the lack of anything that isn't a word, so here are some extra distractions:
But for Guys Like Us. . .
Do note that this is the first installment of many, many drunken endeavors. They get better. I promise.
P.S. I apologize for the lack of anything that isn't a word, so here are some extra distractions:
But for Guys Like Us. . .
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