Complaint

So, I can see certain stats about who's visiting my page. One of these includes which browser and operating system you're using. Most people are window's/chrome users (my preferred), but I couldn't help but notice someone is still using Internet Explorer. Seriously? Stop it. I don't even care if you switch to Safari. Just stop.

Grow Up

The Love Kickstarts Again

Title inspiration: More Dubstep

FOR REALS


So it's a Friday night, and I'm in college; Take a guess as to what I did.
I'm feeling pretty good right now, and I just got back from a party at The Playground with great friends like Treyson, Princess Dye, Queen Bee, Uncle Waldo, Justin Timberlake, and many others. I'm very happy about this night for the express reason that this is the first and only occasion that I have been more sober (and in this case by a long shot) than Treyson; He is ALWAYS the one taking care of me. I finally got the chance to pay him back. This must be how Mother Theresa felt.

                                                     (^ Uncle Waldo ^)

I liked tonight because we started drinking around nine an didn't leave until after two. Even though I would have liked to stay longer, it was a fantastic evening for a couple reasons. Firstly, all of my best friends were there, which automatically makes the situation feel like Christmas during a world war. We also started drinking at nine, as previously mentioned, which allowed me to be rather toasty for quite a while. On top of that, Treyson and I went up against Uncle Waldo and Taco Bell in beer pong and won by one cup in overtime; Talk about intensity. To shorten it up a bit here's what else was involved: glow stix; tang; dancing in the style of Michael Jackson, The Robot, and whatever it is that I do; tang; lots of booze; and false cop alarms. I include false cop alarms as a plus because it gives an adrenaline rush and gave me an excuse to pretend to sleep on an air mattress and cuddle with friends.

FOR SEARS
(That means "seriously")

I probably haven't had this good of a night since Wednesday night, during which I was drawn on profusely. The writings included "still best friends," "happy trail," a heart (which was drawn on with lipstick, or something similar, and hard as hell to wash off), "virgin," and "Gun Show: $10."

Queen Bee has a terrible habit and impressive track record of writing "virgin" on me since the first time we met.

This evening was littered with smoke breaks on the porch, socks getting wet, me taking my shirt off, me letting people write on me (Treyson wrote his nickname on my lower stomach with an arrow to my peen, per usual, and "virgin" found its way onto my back as well as, from what I hear, a leprechaun), Dubstep, lesser music, pong, people flirting, and generally a grand ole time. Think of the last great party you went to, the one that stood out from the rest of them, and then realize that that's the party I go to every time I go to this house. I'm not bragging; I'm just saying that my friends are better than yours.

WELL, ANYHOODIEANDABLOWFISH


We got back to campus, I ate some of my mom's goulash that she sent up with me (heavenly), Treyson helped himself with his inebriated state, I listened to (what else) Dubstep, and everyone wound down, waiting for the morning when we could all reunite, figure out what was written on me, and eat at Denny's.

MORE GOODIES


Because I'm sure you don't like reading about how my life is better that yours (I'm Better), here are some things to cheer you up:
Jake and Amir
Still Jake and Amir
A Friend Doing Things
Aight My Peepoh!

Like. Comment. Subscribe. Vote in the poll. Be cool. Love me :D

What the Angels Listen To

About a month or two ago, I started listening to a certain genre of music. This type of music has been called "dance music for metal heads" and "dirtier than Hitler's kill to death ratio." For those of you who are already familiar, I am, of course, speaking of Dubstep. Enjoying this particular style of music is like having liquid satin poured down your ear hole. I don't even know what that would look like, but I know what it feels like. It feels like Dubstep.

REASONS WHY


Dubstep has innumerable benefits, which I will enumerate right now:

1. Imagine a rave. Now imagine that rave is even more awesome and everyone, including the bouncers, is tripping out on shrooms and adderall. That's what Dubstep can do.
2. Dubstep has the power to increase your mood and energy. For example, as I walk to and from class, I play my collection that I purchased from Amazon (can be found by clicking this alternately-colored magical series of words) and I'm pretty sure that laser light shows start all over campus.
3. People like me have a distinct need for Dubstep. This is my second night pulling an all-nighter in three days, and see as my friend, "Princess Dye" was about to bail on me, Dubstep would have been my only hope of making it to my 8:15 class.
4. Liquid satin. IN YOUR EAR HOLE.
5. To make things even better, Skrillex, a well known Dubstep DJ, teamed up with Korn to make a song so good that I listened to it 60 times in less than a week. This is that song:

SO GOOD

I've managed not only to get my friends to like Dubstep, but I've also found friends that liked Dubstep before I knew them, like "Queen Bee." This wonderful young lady invited me and a few other friends to a masquerade that featured SIX HOURS OF EAR-SATIN and I was more excited for it than Lindsey Lohan would be in Colombia. Unfortunately, none of us ended up going for various reasons. It's currently my only regret in life. Had I gone, my countenance for the remainder of my life would have been comparable to James Franco's in the following clip from Spiderman 3:

IN CONCLUSION

Dubstep. Cocaine. Liquid satin. James Franco.

To quote Sealab 2021: "It's like a koala crapped a rainbow in my brain!"

Now for the Meat

Starting with the most entertaining of the given subjects, let's take a dive into my drinking life.

Alcohol is one of God's greatest gifts. It has the power to turn normally shy people into social beings, which is how my drinking career began.
Bypassing my sheltered high school life, let's start with my first drunk experience.

THE HOOK

It was the first month of my first year of college, and one of my friend girls from high school, who happened to go to the same college as me, invited me to go drinking with her and a few friends. We played kings cup, and I found out that a quarter liter of Cherry UV is a lot more alcohol than I thought it was. I had finished my portion before we finished pregaming, and everyone was impressed that I didn't miss the toilet when I went pee before I left. Everything was spinning, everything was funny, and I couldn't care less about my mildly controlling female friends. One of the few things I remember saying that night was "Why didn't anyone tell me that drinking was this much fun!?"

THE LINE

We got to the party, and I discovered the main habit that drunk me has: MEET. EVERYONE. Shake hands, hear names, run around, forget names, meet the same people again, etc.

As it turned out, the party was actually a birthday party. The birthday girl turned 19 and was drunk enough to think I was awesome, so she lunged at my face and made out with me. From what I can remember, she was attractive, but my vision was that of a 87 year-old woman with cataracts, so whatever.
My favorite part about this night was not that I made out with a potentially attractive girl (who was older than I was, might I add), but the fact that I shared a very nice cigar with the owner of the house -- a man who was trying to date the girl that made out with me. Quite the fine gentleman.

THE SINKER

A week or two later, it was my high school's homecoming game. I hadn't drank since my first endeavor, so I made sure to bring my booze home for this.

Most of my graduating class (32 people total) showed up for a party after homecoming. It was a Turkey farm far away from the cops, so there was no reason to be coy. The night got started and shit got real pretty fast.

I didn't understand yet how alcohol worked, so I figured doubling my intake from last time wouldn't be a big deal. After the host started a large controlled fire (by large I mean the flames were 20 ft. high), I started drinking my UV and cherry Coke. Within a half hour or so I discovered my other drunken habit: Get Naked. First it was the shirt, then the shoes, and all of a sudden my friends were watching me run toward the corn field with my boxers around my ankles while loudly laughing my drunken laugh. 

The only thing I remember after that is being face deep in toilet (3rd drunken habit) with someone watching me. I'm pretty sure that if that person hadn't been there, I would have drown. That would have made for an interesting obituary.

The next morning, my bfff, we'll call him Treyson (he gets a name because He'll be showing up more and more), opened the bathroom door and asked, "Dude, what the fuck?" I'm not sure what we said to each other after that, but I know I ended up waiting for him to get back to his floorbed so I could cuddle up to him and steal his covers.

THE WORST

I eventually got home with the worst hangover I've ever had. It was Sunday, so I had the privilege of having my dad drive me back up to campus. Normally this would be fine; I'd just sleep on the way up. Unfortunately, my father will occasionally have a beer while driving. This was one of those times. This was also a time where Dad took the back roads. For the entire hour and a half trip, I had to sit there, smelling the odor of beer and doing everything I could to not puke everywhere. I'm pretty sure Dad got suspicious because I didn't touch my Jimmy John's sandwich and my head was halfway out the window the entire drive. Luckily, I made it back without screwing myself over.


Do note that this is the first installment of many, many drunken endeavors. They get better. I promise.

P.S. I apologize for the lack of anything that isn't a word, so here are some extra distractions:
But for Guys Like Us. . .

Dubstep is for Awesome

Just for Starters

Ah, the internet universe. Where any kid who thinks he's special can put his thoughts out into the world to be judged or applauded. I love this place.

The point of THIS blog is for me to anonymously let everyone ever know as much about my life as I can without making it blatantly obvious who I am. I'm also hoping to get people to make fun of me, find people to become emotionally invested in my posts, and basically just get more attention.

MOVING ON


I'm starting this blog at five in the morning because I decided to pull an all-nighter to do homework. We can all take an accurate guess on how much homework I actually did. What started as "getting the distractions out of the way," e.g. Tetris, online comics, random reading, turned into taking a walk and trying to meditate and then deciding to start this. Fun Times.

GROUND RULES


There are a few things you should know about me before we start:

• I am egotistical. You'll get used to it and I'm sure you'll end up liking it. Confidence is attractive, after all.
• I'm a nerd. I spend a lot of my time reading various sections of FailBlog (e.g. Art of Trolling, Rage Comics, FailBook) as well as The Oatmeal and Hyperbole and a Half. So if I say something such as "I am disappoint" or post the Forever Alone face at the end of a post, don't be surprised.
• I have no schedule. I would like to promise you all (which is no one, at the moment) that I will update twice a week, or at least with some recognizable pattern, but chances are that I'll only update when I feel like it.
• I like attention. A great band once sang "I don't care what you think, as long as it's about me." This kinda ties back to the whole being egotistical thing.
• I try to entertain. If you think something is funny, let me know. If you think something that was supposed to be funny was silly, let me know. If you have any feelings about anything, let me know. If you have feelings about me, keep it to yourself.
• I am a man. There's a good chance that a sexist joke will sneak in to a post or two, or maybe something will be taken offensively. Just know that I say things lightly and believe that laughter is the only pure thing left in this world.
• I value the English language. I know there are ridiculous rules like "'I' before 'E' except after 'C' or in words like 'weird,' 'neighbor,' and half of the other words that have E's and I's," but grammar lets people know that the person in question has SOME form of education. If you find a mistake, criticize me. Just don't be a bitch about it.

I feel as though we know each other a bit now. I'll assume that means this post is over with, and I hope I update soon.

Toodles.